Saturday, March 1

Why I need a bigger craft room


Simply because there is no box, basket, shelf, closet or any other storage place left to put away all my crafty ingredients. My messy craft/living room is an illustrative representation of my present mind and how I feel nowadays about work, life, existence.
Is it the weather? The Winter here isn't here, it feels fake. Is it a particular life phase I'm going through? Is it my inevitable 30th birthday I don't want to face? Because frankly, I really don't want to turn 30. I never guessed life would be so, I don't know, demanding for me. I never guessed I would be so upset with the thought I should really start raising some kids and smile like the happy family on posters of toothpaste commercials because that's what society expects me to do. While still, all I want to do is keep on dreaming about how I want the world to be. I don't fit in sometimes. But, who does actually?
Some of my friends ride the rollercoaster and have no trouble buying a new ticket after the ride. It's like, they don't think it over? They just do what life or society demands them to do, and that in the most common order of relationship, marrying, having babies. And to me it seems like the queue for the coaster is getting longer and longer, giving me more time to think and puzzle over numerous little things in life. Am I too afraid for the responsibilities that come with being 30?
I've changed so much in the past ten years, that I would have  done things in a completely different way if I'd had the opportunity to do it again. I'm not sure about my choice for nursing anymore, then why did I additionally master in it? Then why I feel more burned out than ever when I first started the job, 8.5 years ago? Where has the ambitious, energetic, passionate and empathic nurse gone? Have I really turned into the nurse I always was afraid of becoming: routined, frustrated, emotionally exhausted and with a lost professional and personal identity? For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm more alone than ever. Is it the stirring encounter of my parent's agening, vulnerability and mortality that frightens me? Or is it that I thought to be settled by now, and I'm actually not? That I always thought to have it all figured out by now and I actually have more life questions than ever?


Don't get me wrong: I'm engaged to a great man (but again, we don't even know if a marriage is really neccessary for us), I've got  a job (that's something really precious to have), I've still got my both great parents and we're about to construct our own home after living together in apartements and with parents-in-law for the last 6 years. So I've got plenty of things to be grateful for and to look forward to. Then why, I feel like I have no control or no energy left to start living the life of a 30 year old?
So in the end, I guess I need a bigger craft room to get things straight and reorganize my thoughts and goals in life. To stop worrying and just get on with it. To finally take some responsibilities and just live life as it comes and be happy with it.

Thanks for reading.

x

5 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh, ARE YOU ME?

    I'm dreading turning 30 this year too. I know it's going to happen but I really don't want it to. I'm dating a great man too, but marriage is probably not necessary. And kids, don't get me started. Do you sometimes get a pang of "I want a baby" and then later, you're thinking "uh.... maybe not"?

    I really understand how demanding work can be. Even though I'm not a nurse, I know that every job has its challenges. Especially after working it for that many years, you've probably raised in the ranks and there's always more responsibility with that.

    Sometimes, I think how the hell did I get here? Why is it so hard to muster up that passion, fun and energy that came so easily? Where did my 20's go?

    You know what though... what you said... Just LIVE life as it comes. Let's do that, yeah?

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  2. Speaking as someone who already dealt with turning 30, ten years ago, I can tell you it is not too bad. Maybe there are "opinions" out there in the world that tell you that people should fall into certain categories, but you know that is not true. You are already rebelling against what the norms are just by being a crafty person at such young age. Not too long ago, many thought only old ladies knit. It is really no different in every other aspect.

    When it comes down to it, this if your life. Kids and marriage, or whatever will come when you want and in whatever order you want. Again, this is your life not anyone else's.

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  3. Actually, we should be happy that we HAVE a choice. Not everyone in the world is in the position to even make those choices for themselves. You see, that's richness. And then again, all those choices and opportunities drive us crazy! It's a luxury problem, really....So, yes, let's just live life as it comes and stop whining about it :)

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  4. I never thought of it that way, that I was kind of rebelling against the norms because I knit :) but actually, knitting is trendy nowadays, so maybe I'm not rebelling that much ;) thanks for the comment, Andi, eventually, everything will happen when it's the time to happen!

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  5. I will be turning 30 this year too and it feels so weird...didn't I just venture out into my twenties? Life goes so fast these days. I think the worst thing we can do is bow to social pressure. You decide when you're ready for something. I've been with the same guy since I was a teenager but we're not getting married any time soon. As for the rest, who knows? It's our life and we should be the ones deciding how we're spending it.
    Also, if your job is sucking away your energy... maybe you should reconsider it? Maybe there's something else that would be a better fit for you at this time in your life?

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